I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
