omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
