i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
