I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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