everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
