i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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