I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
