I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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