It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, beer. Big fan.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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