Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
