If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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