It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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