Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
