About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
