you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
