I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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