I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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