You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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