Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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