The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
