margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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