You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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