Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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