I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
