1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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