an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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