Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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