You're my little dorito
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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