Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm too high and old for this...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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