I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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