I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
