People in love make me want to vomit
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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