Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
