ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
FUCK WHALES
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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