Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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