When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
