Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
