Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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