i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
