On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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