the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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