see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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