turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
