I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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