New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
