I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
