tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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