I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
