Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
