I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's shark week go big or go home
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
