my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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