Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
