What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can I color on your dick again?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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