If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
