I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
