so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize
