I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
