Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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