Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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