My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
