Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
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Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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