I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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