I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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